Do you love Me more than these?

John 21:15-17
¹⁵When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."

¹⁶Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?"
He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."

¹⁷ The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.

I imagine Peter kind of ashamed for what had happened. Waiting, hoping that at last the Lord that Peter heard has appeared to others, will consider Him worthy to seeing him. Maybe, the thought that the Lord didn't want to see him had crossed His mind. I imagine Peter longing for redemption, remembering the good old times, the first time he saw Jesus, the time he was called to be fisher of men, the time Jesus went fishing with Him and showed them where to throw their net. Then, Peter decided to go fishing and it happened again.
The way Peter jumped into the water as he heard "It's the Lord", moves me. Makes me think of a man desperate for reconciliation.
I imagine Peter thinking, "If I could only see Him again.." and then it happened...

I gained a new insight last weekend at Exploration 2009. Saturday night, the Bishop from Minnesota preached about the verse above. She had a new insight about the passage. What if the "these" meant, not the other disciples but the other things that have happened: Peter's bad experience, bitterness, anger at himself, disappointment, etc...
What is the "these" for me, for you? Anger, bitterness, deception, my own dreams of self-satisfaction, my own sense of what I must do, my desires, the world, my comfort, not knowing it all...
What stands between me, loving the Lord and feeding His sheep.
As Jesus asks Peter the third time, the same question, a deeper understanding of what the cost of following Jesus starts to sink in. It's not all rose color, it's not all shiny. Surrendering your rights to Jesus Christ is not easy, not having control is not easy, not having it all figured out is not easy, following although not understanding is not easy. If you know what I mean.
Now, that you understand better the cost, do you love Me?... Do you love Me?... Do you love Me?
Feed my sheep.

Sweet?

I have always wondered what I felt like to loose someone you love. Not that I wanted to experience that any time soon but I figured the time would come, it comes sooner or later for everyone...It seems like it came too soon for us....
We lost Mami Lali Sunday, August 30th, 2009. Her body lost the battle to Pancreatic Cancer. But her soul was as triumphant as it has ever been, until the last moment. The last time I talked to her- one day before she went to Jesus- she pulled strength from her soul and sang, with such beauty, "Victory in Jesus".
I think of her everyday, I know my whole family does. It's like a dream. I still feel if I am going to see her soon or at least that's the hope I had. Don't take me wrong. I know if we believe in Jesus Christ we have eternal life, and there's no doubt in my mind she is with Jesus. But, I won't see her on this earth. Next time we encounter, I will see the urn containing her ashes.
Oh, how has this happened? This sadness overwhelms my soul. There is such sweetness in my memories of her, and the tears that flow without ceasing remind me of how much I love her. There is a special sweetness and sadness in my heart when I think of her.
I meditate in what I could have done better in our relationship...she lived in France, we had 7 hours of difference. Sometimes, it was too late to call her.
She never failed at calling me. Trying to reach out to me. She is one of the few that truly understood how hard it is to be far away from all you know, all you understand, those you grew up with, those that hold your same values, even the food you like...
I am trying to think positively. I know she is not suffering anymore. However, this sadness is still there. This sense of loss is still there.
I will hold on to the sweetness of this tears, of this hurt because they are a sign of love. They remind me I love her and she loved me. And, love will never die.

Love

Love should have been your name. You gave me something no one can take away. Faith.
You were there when I was born. You counseled my parents. You took me as your own. You prayed for me since before I was born then you hold me and offered me to the Lord. There is not a single day you haven't thought about your children. Up until your last breath, they were in your thoughts.
You made us feel so loved, so warm, so protected, so encouraged...so close. You believed in us.
God gave you eyes to see us far away. You knew how we felt, so far, so alone. You warmed up our hearts and encouraged us to believe in God.
I awaited your calls. They were always on time. Until they stopped...Love, what has happened to you? Why didn't you tell us you felt sick? All so sudden, all soon. We thought we would have you forever. Oh, Love. What are we gonna do without you?
I wish I had seen you last year...to hold you, one more time... But it wasn't conceded to me to do so.
I think of you sick and my hearts in a thousand pieces. It aches so much, Love.
I am so glad to talked to you at the hospital, I am so glad I talked to you before you, finally, answered Jesus call to go home.
When I talked to you, I didn't want to let you go. You told me you had fulfilled your mission. You called me your firstborn. I didn't know what to say but "I love you, I love you, I love you." I heard you crying, Love, don't go, don't go, please. I am selfish.
You probably want to see the Lover of your soul. The One you sought with passion, the One who sustained you, the One loves you...the One who made you and needs you with Him.
We sang "Victory in Jesus". I am so glad we got to sing. I heard your voice gaining strength, it sounded so beautiful, so anticipating of your dwelling with the Lord....
Love, I miss you so bad, so bad. Who will call me? Who will I call? You were so happy when we got to talk, I was, too. Your name is on my phone, every time I see it I cry.
can you see me, now? Before you could hear me...but can you see me, now? How is it with Jesus? Do you understand everything? Are you wearing fine white linen? You are so beautiful.

Someone said, Love is a verb. Mami Lali , that should have been your name. Even when we did not very good, you reached out for us. You felt our pain, you rejoiced in our victories. You exhorted us when we did bad, you counseled us. You were always there, no matter how far had gone.
I love you, again. I feel like I haven't said it enough. I love you. I will always love you.
I wanna love like you, you provoke me to love...You are a true reflection of Christ.
Thank you. Thank you for loving us, for helping heal our wounds, for taking us under your wings.
We were so broken, I know you saw that. You were, too. But you were selfless, sacrificial, you were Love. You suffered in silence. You cried to the Lord in silence.
You wanted all your children to receive the Lord. You have given so much.
Thank you, Love. Thank you.
I will always love you.

Mami Lali

Te acuerdas de cuando era pequena y me llevabas a tu cama, cuando mis papas se iban al cine?
Cuando nos ibamos al mercado y nos ibamos al puesto de los hijos de la Hna. Teresa Farfan y nos tomabamos un jugo? Siempre me encantaba ir contigo al mercado, era divertido ir contigo.
Un chupetin, un chocolate sublime y una manzana chilena nos traias cuando te ibas de viaje. Nunca te olvidabas!
Cuando la tia Elsita nos visitaba, nos ibamos al mercado, tambien. Tempranito me llamaba, me peinaba y nos ibamos juntitas.
Cuando el tio Fernando nos venia a visitar, siempre nos compraba una cadenita.
Te acuerdas de la Navidad? Sacabamos el arbol plateado, poniamos los adornos, el pajarito, el nacimiento, las guirnaldas y las luces...Cuantas navidades pasamos juntas al crecer.
La Pascua de resurreccion, los tamales...
En la manana, tu voz me levantaba cuando te escuchaba cantar himnos al Senor mientras regabas el jardin.
te acuerdas cuando nos ibamos a tu grupo de oracion? los ayunos en la Iglesia? cuando te ibas al seminario? cuando nos contabas historias en la noche? te acuerdas de Ivan el valiente?
De cuando jugabamos carnavales y mojabamos toda la casa? de cuando nos reprendias cuando nos peleabamos?
Mami Lali, siempre has hecho la vida mas emocionante con tu energia, con tu entusiasmo, con tu amor que nos ha alcanzado tan lejos como nos hemos podido ir...
Te extrano, mami Lali.
Quien nos llamara por telefono sin fallar, acordandose de nuestro cumpleanos, la navidad, la pascua de resurreccion?
Aunque estamos tan lejos los unos de los otros, fisicamente, tu nos has unido y nos seguiras uniendo.
Tengo una espina en mi corazon, que me punza con mucho dolor al saber que la enfermedad esta tratando de menguar tus fuerzas y apagar tu espiritu. Cuando cierro los ojos, escucho tu voz, veo tu rostro y siento tu abrazo...ojala sientas el mio, ojala sientas mi abrazo y escuches mi voz.... Te amo, mami Lali. Te amamos, mami Lali. No nos dejes. Hay un tanto de egoismo en nuestra suplica. Pero, que es lo que tu quieres?
Espero que llegues a casa pronto para que cantemos "Victoria en Cristo", para que te podamos animar asi como tu nos animado, asi como tu nos amas y alientas.
Mami Lali, quiero verte y abrazarte otra vez!