The Freedom of Surrender

I am in the middle of making very important decisions. I go to sleep thinking about it, go throughout the day thinking about it, wake up thinking about it. All the time I am thinking about it.

The more I think, the more I see things I do not like.I have to be a masoquist to take this path, is what my mind says. Then, I realize how my character needs to change so much. I am aware of all my shortcomings and I feel so unfit, so lowly.

As I was driving this morning I kept thinking about it and my heart kept getting heavier and heavier.

Finally, one thought brought it all to peace. "If you would just surrender everything to God, you would be free."

Yes, it may sound like a paradox. But, giving Him your fears, dislikes, character, goals, dreams...EVERYTHING, will give you freedom, will give you peace.

It's laying down everything at His feet. I am not carrying those things anymore. I am free, I am weightless now.

There is freedom in surrender.

Ah.

Manana es Cinco de Agosto....que mas puedo decir? Alrededor de este tiempo mi angelito habria nacido.
Alrederdor de este tiempo nuestras amistades estan y estaran dando a luz.
Por primera vez despues del D & C, fui al hospital a el area de maternidad a visitar a unos amigos que acaban de tener su bebe. Al llegar a la playa de estacionamiento trataba de no pensar en lo que sucedio hace cuatro meses porque se que las lagrimas empezarian a brotar y no podria parar. No queria que mis amigos se sientan raros al expresar su gozo.
Al llegar al cuarto tuve que esperar afuera unos minutos porque estaban ocupados. Al levantar la mirada, habian pequenos cartelitos en las puertas de los otros cuartos con los nombres de los bebes recien nacidos, con adornos y colores de bienvenida....empeze a preguntarme que hubiera dicho el mio?
Empece a recordar ese momento de expectacion, de alegria que se tiene cuando tu bebe llega al mundo. Esa expectacion que tenia al esperar su llegada y el vacio en nuestros brazos...
Me pregunto una y otra vez si alguna vez me olvidare de lo que paso? Si alguna vez ya no dolera tanto? Si alguna vez ya no lo extranare? Si alguna vez mirare atras y entendere?
Algunos dicen que ya no me sentire tan triste pero es algo que no se olvida...
Hay una tristeza y dulzura al recordarle...

Estuve leyendo Eclesiastes. Uno de los capitulos finales decia que todo lo que sucede bajo el sol es absurdo, realmente nadie lo puede entender.
No se si busco entendimiento.
Me pregunto como es que la gente trata con la muerte de sus seres queridos, con la perdida de sus hijos, de sus bebes, de sus bebes aun no nacidos.
Leia en internet que algunas madres se enfocan en tratar de tener otro bebe....no creo que lo hagan con el deseo de hacer un reemplazo.
Siento que un reemplazo no es la solucion. Al menos no para mi.

Entonces que queda? Aceptar. Seguir adelante. Someterme a la voluntad de Dios confiando en Su sabiduria, sin cuestion, ni queja.

Blind Cave Fish

Blind Cave Fish Can Grow Eyes....
The other day as I walked around the house and listened to TV, I heard about this fish born blind because it was born in complete darkness deep inside in the caves off the coast of Mexico. His name, Astyanax mexicanus.
The first time I heard it I thought it was very interesting, then it stayed in my mind and kept coming over and over again until I had to find more information about it.
It made me think of all the people who don't know about Christ. Fathers, mothers, who live in darkness and therefore raise their children in the darkness. Blind to the light of Christ...
Somehow this is something I am still thinking about....
Apparently, researchers have gone out of their way to find out if it's possible grow eyes in the fish because when they are still eggs their eyes degenerate so they are born with no eyes. However, other fish who live in the surface, where there is light, have eyes.
So, researchers found out they can indeed grow eyes on them by implanting a lens from a surface dwelling fish, cousin of the cave fish. Amazing!
I keep going back to the fish born blind because their habitat is in complete darkness.
How many people are out there living in complete darkness? Whether it is because they choose to, or because they don't know any better...the thing is, it doesn't stay with them, their descendants will live in darkness, too.
The darkness of sin, of loneliness, of living a life with no hope and comfort. Not a life free from troubles. But as we have a experienced, a life that still has trouble and is sustained by God's Spirit. A life with eyes that see it's helper coming from the hills, the Maker of heaven and earth.

But how can we stop this growing darkness?

1 Peter 2:9 came to my mind then:

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation,
a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him
who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."

Blind to the light of God, living in such darkness, in such oppression and ignorance, is death to our souls, separation from God.

Oh, that we who once lived in darkness could declare the praises of him who brought us into his wonderful light. That we may stop the darkness from extending. That we may have compassion on those children born blind to the light of Him who is worthy of our praises.
That they may become part of this royal priesthood, of this holy nation, that they may belong to God.
We have this power, given to us by Jesus Christ to proclaim the Good News, to make disciples, to shine His light. Let us not hide behind our shyness, let us not hide behind political correction or whatever it is that closes our mouths and stops our tongues.
Don't we long to see the world having eyes to see Christ? Don't we long to see our friends and family having eyes to see the light of Christ?
Why do we go out of our way getting fish to be able to see? Yes, this will help sight problems and research...shouldn't we be concerned all the time about the future of the souls that live in darkness, too?
Dive deep inside into the caves where they are and shine the light of Christ. At school, at the gym, at the mall, at the grocery store, at the gas station...wherever we are.

^{John 1:1-5}

¹In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
²He was with God in the beginning. ³Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴In him was life, and that life was the light of men.
⁵The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

May the Lord help us take advantage of each opportunity that arises to shine His light not just in words but through our lifestyle. Amen.

I am going to bed, now.

5k + 15 Mile Bikeathon= A Milestone

So, today was THE day. A day of challenge. I ran 5k and biked 15 miles at the Tour de Oink.
Why did I do that? I am not really sure. I just know I like the challenge and feeling afterwards. I think it encourages me to keep on exercising and set fitness goals for myself.
Before I turned 30 I had this thing about getting into an exercising rutine so that by the time I was 30 I had some kind of discipline.
Well, I have had my ups and downs. And, now I wonder how would it be the day I get a job how will I keep my exercise rutine? I don't know, I will figure it out.
This morning's run was interesting since we didn't finish the 5k training program we started because of abc reasons. If it wasn't for Sara I wouldn't have kept training. She has kept me excited and going. Thanks, Sara!
Alicia, who could have run the 5k in the blink of an eye, ran at our pace and kept us going. Thanks, Alicia, you are so sweet!
So, the run was very hilly. We had to walk the big hills. But we made it.
Then, Alicia went onto bike the 40 miles and I went to bike the 14.

I had a hard time changing gears and finding one that worked right. It seems like I was pushing really hard to move. Maybe it was just that I was tired from the run. I don't know. But we made it.

Back to the why I did it? Again, I don't know. I have never been very interested in athletics or sports. Therefore, I was never really fit. I think I am tired of feeling like a loser. I want to be fit, healthy and look good. It may take me a long time but hopefully we will get there.

Now to sleep.

Coming up, on my next post I want to talk about Born Blind A Fish. It's an interesting thing.

Potty Training...

So, about two days ago we started potty training my two year old son. He will be three in October. *Sigh*

He is very cute and sweet. He started using the undies mommy Doshi got for him. He just loved them and didn't want to wear a diaper anymore. We had to go shopping for some more cute undies. We found some Thomas the Train ones and that's all he wants to wear.

Today, day 3, has been not a very good day. Only three times he went pe pe in the bathroom, the rest of the times (including pooping) he did not want to sit in the toilette...uh!

I know is just day 3, hopefully tomorrow will be better...he wants to wear his undies so bad and I feel so tempted to delay it more and go back to the diapers...

Some days, some months, some years, things just don't go the way we want, the way we imagine or expect...and we discover things about ourselves that maybe we didn't see before, that were buried or just hidden...the point is we discover that there is so much in us that needs to change. I realize more and more I am a miserable sinner with no hope whatsoever. Only Christ can mold me, change me and make me acceptable, aproved for himself. And I am thankful for His patience and love.

I will be running a 5k this sat. and biking 14 miles afterwards. I have never done this before. I have never been an athletic person. Now it is as if a rush for exercising and challenging myself had hit me.I am surprised...

Now, I have got to get some rest. It's late.

Cerca de Ti (Near to You)

"Cerca de Ti", a song by on of my favorite Christian Musicians, Jesus Adrian Romero, has been lately in my mind. So, I want to share it with you. Enjoy.

Si decidiera negar mi fe, y no confiar nunca mas en El,

No tengo a donde ir, no tengo a donde ir.

Si despreciare mi corazon la santa gracia que me salvo,

No tengo a donde ir, no tengo a donde ir.

Convencido estoy que sin Tu amor, se acabarian mis fuerzas

Y sin ti mi corazon sediento se muere, se seca...

Cerca de Ti, yo quiero estar

De Tu presencia no me quiero alejar

Cerca de Ti, Jesus, you quiero estar

De Tu presencia no me quiero alejar...

If I were to deny my faith and trust Him no more

I have nowhere to go, I have nowhere to go

If my heart were to lay aside the Sacred Grace that saved me

I have nowhere to go, I have nowhere to go

Convinced I am that without your love my strength would fail

And without you, my thirsty heart will die, will whither.

Near to You, I want to be,

from Your presence I don't want to grow apart

Near to You, Jesus, I want to be,

from Your presence I don't want to grow apart...

My Little Flower

My Little Flower, the world will never see you blooming.

Shiny, your sister called you

When she prayed for you and kissed my belly

And it is because you shined in our hearts

You put a sparkle in our eyes

Your siblings loved you, kissed you

and planned for you.

My Little Flower, my womb saw you blooming

but you have left now to be with our Maker,

Shiny, colorful, beautiful and whole.

There is no better place to be, my love

than the arms of our Maker

and the company of our loved ones amongst the Saints.

My Little Flower,

our nest was full of prayers, dreams and hopes

now it is empty and flooding with tears like my womb.

My Little Flower, you were so loved

even before your seed was planted.

Oh, my little flower

flesh of my flesh,

bone of my bones,

heart of my hearts,

I miss you deep inside.

Hear my lulaby, feel my caress

I am your mother, you know.

Your daddy loves you as much

with every fiber of his being and beyond...

Feel his strong arms surround you,

resting on his chest will make you secure,

hearing his voice will delight you.

Oh, we love you!

My dear child, my darling

I could never say Good-Bye

Being safe in the arms of our Maker

I trust I will see you later.

My Little Flower, I just wanted to say

I love you and more...

Enjoy a beautiful and eternal life

my bright star

You are forever in our hearts...