Numbers 4- Live and Not Die.

Numbers 4- The Work of the Levites- Live and not Die.
This chapter covers the work of the Levites (Kohathites, Gershonites and Merarites).
All people assigned to work were male from 30 to 50 years old.
The service of the Kohathites related to the tent of meeting concerned the most holy things.
The service of the Gershonites consisted on serving and bearing burdens: carrying the curtains of the tabernalce, and the tent of meeting with its covering, etc (see Numbers 4:25-28).
The service of the Merarites consisted on carrying the frames of the tabernacle and the pillars of the court with all of its accessories (4:29-33).

Something I found very interesting from this chapter was about the work of the Kohathites carrying the most holy things.
Aaron and his sons were to cover all the most holy things before the Kohathites carried them. They couldn't look into them or touch them or they'd die.
You can read the whole process in Numbers 4:5-15. Most of the things were to be covered with a blue or purple cloth and fine leather.
On verse 17 God tells Moses and Aaron the reason for so much covering and wrapping stuff so the Kohathites wouldn't come in contact with the most holy things and die.

"The Lord spoke to Moses and Aaron, saying, ¹⁸ “Let not the tribe of the clans of the Kohathites be destroyed from among the Levites, ¹⁹ but deal thus with them, that they may live and not die when they come near to the most holy things: Aaron and his sons shall go in and appoint them each to his task and to his burden, ²⁰ but they shall not go in to look on the holy things even for a moment, lest they die.' "

God is Holy. The things used for His service are holy because of His presence. Any contact with such holiness will bring death. He does not desire for anybody to die because of this. He desires us to live just as He desired for the Kohathites who served Him to live and not die. That's why He made provisions, that's why He warned Aaron and his sons to instruct the Kohathites so they wouldn't die.

 2 Corinthians 5:17-19

 "¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.^[b] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. ¹⁸ All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; ¹⁹ that is, in Christ God was reconciling^[c] the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation."

 The thought of a God so great, so majestic and so gracious and loving overwhelms me. When I see His desire to be with me and I see myself, I am convicted of my unworthiness, I am humbled. I am left with no argument in front of such kindness.
All leaders, as Aaron and his sons, have this incredible responsibility to teach what the Lord has commanded us faithfully so that others may live and not die.
He has always and forever wanted us to live with Him. So, He made a provision. In the Old Testament through the whole ritual we read on Numbers (shadow of what was to come)- He is so Amazing, so Intelligent, so Beautiful!- and then He sends Jesus, to cover us, to reconcile us to Himself. I can see now everything pointing at Jesus.

No matter where you are, what you  have done or who you think you are. God desires to be with you and He has made a way for this. He is not unapproachable. He has provided Jesus because He wants us to live and not die.

Numbers 3- The Price of Redemption

The Sons of Aaron, the Levites, and the Redemption of the Firstborn
 - The Sons of Aaron were assigned by God as priests over Israel and the Levites were given to them as their assistants. The Levites work had to do with taking care of the setting up and cleaning of the Tabernacle.
The Levites were placed around the Tabernacle, between the Tabernacle and the rest of the tribes of Israel.

A couple of things that I have been thinking about from this chapter are:
1. The death of Nadab and Abihu, sons of Aaron, for offering unholy fire before the Lord.
What did they do that they died instantly?
 I did a little research on this and found a very interesting article about it: http://www.zianet.com/maxey/reflx63.htm

2. The Redemption of the Firstborn

Numbers 3:11-12 ^'And the Lord said to Moses, “Look, I have chosen the Levites from among the Israelites to serve as substitutes for all the firstborn sons of the people of Israel. The Levites belong to me, for all the firstborn males are mine. On the day I struck down all the firstborn sons of the Egyptians, I set apart for myself all the firstborn in Israel, both of people and of animals. They are mine; I am the Lord.”'
So, after counting all males 1 month up in Israel, there were 22,273 but there were only 22,000 Levites to substitute them.
The Lord sets the price of Redemption to be of 5 shekles or 20 pieces of silver, which were to be given to Aaron and his sons. That tradition is called Pidyon Ha'ben and is observed on the 31st day after a first born male is born who is redeemed by 5 pieces of 110 grams of silver (Five U.S. silver dollars are often used, though the specific type of coins depends on where you are in the world).

Why 5 Shekels? I don't know. Some people relate that to the price paid for Joseph when he was sold by his brothers. You know? They sold him without knowing that he would later save them all. Yep. another figure of Christ.

The Levites are a figure of Christ, too, who later would come to redeem His people. Who stands between us and God, to bring us into reconciliation with Him.

Even when there not enough Levites to redeem all firstborn, there was a price to be paid. Redemption is costly. It cost God the life of Christ, His own firstborn, to redeem us all.
For us, gentiles (and for all), there is no other than Christ who would be willing to take our place. To be the Mediator between us and God. Once and for all.
There's not enough enough money to buy our redemption. Only through Christ.
We are loved in such a way that God himself provided a way to bring us back to Him, to redeem us.
So much grace, so much love. 

1 Timothy 2:5-6

"For there is only one God and one Mediator who can reconcile God and humanity—the man Christ Jesus. He gave his life to purchase freedom for everyone. This is the message God gave to the world at just the right time."

Numbers 2- Axis

A couple of weeks ago, Penny mentioned something about Numbers I had been thinking all along, "It's a hard to read book".
Yes, it is. So many "numbers", so many lists...But why are they here? What is the purpose on reading all these names and details? WHY IS THIS HERE?
Let us continue to ponder on that in the upcoming weeks/months...

I was going to write a  rough  summary of all the things that jumped out of the page for me on the first chapters since I failed to blog as soon as I read them but last night I was thinking about it all and I am going back to reread them and find out more about these things that jump out for me.

Chapter 2.-
The Order of Encampment and Marching
God speaks to Moses about the order Israel should follow for encamping. Everybody encircling and facing the sacred tent. The Levites were positioned closely around the tent of meeting and the other tribes were arranged around them.
When they were to move, the strongest tribes went upfront and at the back. Yes, very strategic and so SPECIFIC.
As you read through Leviticus you will find all the commands are so specific, too.
These are God's instructions, He is taking care of his people, thinking ahead. He can see the future and needs to prepare his children for it... although sometimes we don't get it, right?
In these particular set of circumstances that I find myself in, why? Why am I facing East or West? Why are we going this way? Why am I sitting here? Why are things going like they are? why, why, why?
I am real big on the WHY word and don't always get an answer. But we live by faith therefore I must believe that God cares about every detail of our lives. And, that He knows best. He knows the future, He holds it in His hand.
If we listen to Him on every detail of our lives and follow His instructions we will be ready for whatever life may bring.

Notice this: the way he sets it all is with His very Presence at the CENTER of IT ALL.
When they camp, the Tabernacle is at the center. When they move, the Tabernacle is at the center.
He is the axis, He holds it all together.
Is the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit at the center of our lives?

Numbers

Yesterday I realized that I had come to the end of Leviticus. My Bible reading plan, usually, comprises reading daily a chapter from an Old Testament Book, a Psalm or Proverb and a chapter from the New Testament. Sometimes, I start in order, sometimes I just pick randomly.
Anyway, this time I started in order. It just occurred to me to share my findings. It seems that every time I read a book I discover something different.
I will share later my take on Leviticus.

Here are my reflections on the Book of Numbers.

Currently, I am reading The Wesley Study Bible (NRSV).

Introduction to Numbers and Chapter 1
As I started reading it I was reminded that Numbers means "Census".
- Here is part of the Introduction to Numbers that called me to meditate:
"The title of this fourth book of the Pentateuch comes from counting two generations of Israel's males who were 'able to go to war' (chs.1,26). The first census counts men, twenty years old and above, who had experienced Egyptian slavery and deliverance, but who rebelled. The second census enrolls the next generation, which eventually enters Canaan under Joshua and receives land allotments.
The book could also be called 'rebellions,' for Israel repeatedly breaks covenant, loses faith, and even seeks to return to Egypt. Although they question Moses' authority at every turn, we witness here his solidarity with the Israelites and his status as the ideal prophet and closest friend of the Lord..."

* The second paragraph made me think about my faith journey, our faith journey as a family and as the church. How many times have I broken my covenant with God to love Him and worship Him only? How many times have I lost my faith and sought to return to a life of slavery?
This is the story of us. We are that way. When we encounter ourselves in the middle of the desert we tend to forget He who brought us out of Egypt will lead us to the promised land.
And yet, God is faithful.
I sure can identify with the story of Israel.

- The First Census of Israel in Chapter 1 takes place 13 months after they have left Egypt, they have not made it to the promise land yet, they are in the middle of the desert.
The descendants of the sons of Israel, their lineage, in their clans, by their ancestral houses, according to the number of names, individually, every male from twenty years old and upward, everyone able to go to war:

•  Reuben- 46,500
• Simeon- 59,300
•  Gad- 45,650
•  Judah- 24,600
• Issachar- 54, 400
• Zebulun- 57, 400
• Joseph:
• Ephraim- 40,500
• Manasseh- 32,200

• Benjamin- 35,400
• Dan, 62,700
• Asher- 41,500
• Naphtali, 53,400 

Over 553,550 men , not counting the descendants of Levi!

* Let us go back to Genesis and of Abraham for a minute...The episode where Abraham and Sara laughed at God's promise of giving them a child in their old age (Genesis 17:17, 18:12-15)
As I take into account those numbers, I think of Abraham and Sarah cracking up. And I laugh, too. They had no kids, they were old, they were giving up hope but GOD promised to make his descendants numerous. God gave them a child and look how many their descendants are now!
God managed to get them ALL out of Egypt and now is leading them through the desert to the promised land.
How amazing is this? God has been doing what He said He was going to do.

I wanna laugh and say "Look, Abraham and Sarah!! The Lord is faithful to his promises. Thank you for believing!"
What an incredible cloud of witnesses to this we have.

Is Anything too Wonderful for the Lord?

The Lord said to Abraham, ‘Why did Sarah laugh, and say, “Shall I indeed bear a child, now that I am old?” Is anything too wonderful for the Lord? At the set time I will return to you, in due season, and Sarah shall have a son.’ But Sarah denied, saying, ‘I did not laugh’; for she was afraid. He said, ‘Oh yes, you did laugh.’ Genesis 18:13-15

So much has happened during the last year. We went back to Peru last May, we had another baby, Gabriella Anise. It seems like we have been sooo busy.

Sometimes I feel like my routine is going to swallow me (including the laundry pile.)

Last October I had the opportunity to lead "The Workbook of Living Prayer" by Maxie Dunnam. We had an awesome group of people to read, pray and meditate with.

One of the many things that has stayed with me is the "bold requests" that we can have a hard time asking God for. We got to share them all. Things that may seem diminute or too big or just plain impossible. I had a couple.

- One of them was healing. Healing for somebody that is now part of my family. I told God I will not take "No" for an answer. We need it, she needs it. We need this miracle and will insist on it. Like the widow.

- Another request is about my weight. I need to loose 70 pounds. I have never been that light but I need to. I want to. But I need the strength and motivation to do so.

I started on Weight Watchers online about 13 weeks ago and have lost about 18 pounds. It feels good to get rid of some weight and fit into some of my clothes again. I had gained a lot of weight with my last pregnancy.

I have discovered many things about myself. I am an emotional eater. When I am sad, I eat. When I am happy, I wanna eat. You know. To celebrate or to comfort myself.
A couple days ago, I read a tweet from Rick Warren "When something eats us, we overeat.Gluttony is self-medication for unhappy emotions."

I do overeat. When something is really good, I have to have a lot of it.

When I am sad or stressed, I have found myself reaching for chocolate, ice cream, anything sweet.

So, I have been self-medicating myself. This external problem has deep internal roots. Lack of trust and reliance in the Lord. Not letting Him have my burdens.

I have been struggling this last couple weeks with Thanksgiving pies and Christmas candy. BTW, I have realized I like sweets a lot. According to Weight Watchers, the point is not to deprive yourself but to take reasonable, healthy measures of what you like. Change your habits.

So, I have found myself indulging and feeling guilty about it afterwards.

I have just lost 1 pound during the last two weeks. I failed to count my points many days. On purpose.

Today, I have to start again. Mondays is weight tracking day for me. And I feel disappointed that I wasn't more mindful and gave in really quick.

But, here we go, we start again. I guess the discovery is worth it. I have to cheer me up somehow. I have to remember my goal.

Before I went back to work I was exercising regularly. Zumba, weights, core, running, etc. It has been 14 months since I did that.

I feel like I am juggling everything trying to fit in all I need to do. My family, their activities, my work and now trying to incorporate myself is crazy.

This weight loss challenge has turned out to be deeper than that. Changing my habits, not just my eating habits, but my thinking habits, my trusting habits, my spiritual habits.

I am a hard one to deal with. When I think about my "bold request" I laugh like Sara did. I laugh because I think deep inside, I may not have the strenght in me, because I know my limitations. I know I am not a very disciplined person. I have never done it before. I like sweets too much. And, so much of it is about discipline.

At the same time I pray for all these things, for a change, for a dream that is more than a superficial desire.

And, when I do, I remember "Is anything too wonderful for the Lord"....

Is it?

Is anything too wonderful for the Lord?

The Freedom of Surrender

I am in the middle of making very important decisions. I go to sleep thinking about it, go throughout the day thinking about it, wake up thinking about it. All the time I am thinking about it.

The more I think, the more I see things I do not like.I have to be a masoquist to take this path, is what my mind says. Then, I realize how my character needs to change so much. I am aware of all my shortcomings and I feel so unfit, so lowly.

As I was driving this morning I kept thinking about it and my heart kept getting heavier and heavier.

Finally, one thought brought it all to peace. "If you would just surrender everything to God, you would be free."

Yes, it may sound like a paradox. But, giving Him your fears, dislikes, character, goals, dreams...EVERYTHING, will give you freedom, will give you peace.

It's laying down everything at His feet. I am not carrying those things anymore. I am free, I am weightless now.

There is freedom in surrender.

Ah.

Manana es Cinco de Agosto....que mas puedo decir? Alrededor de este tiempo mi angelito habria nacido.
Alrederdor de este tiempo nuestras amistades estan y estaran dando a luz.
Por primera vez despues del D & C, fui al hospital a el area de maternidad a visitar a unos amigos que acaban de tener su bebe. Al llegar a la playa de estacionamiento trataba de no pensar en lo que sucedio hace cuatro meses porque se que las lagrimas empezarian a brotar y no podria parar. No queria que mis amigos se sientan raros al expresar su gozo.
Al llegar al cuarto tuve que esperar afuera unos minutos porque estaban ocupados. Al levantar la mirada, habian pequenos cartelitos en las puertas de los otros cuartos con los nombres de los bebes recien nacidos, con adornos y colores de bienvenida....empeze a preguntarme que hubiera dicho el mio?
Empece a recordar ese momento de expectacion, de alegria que se tiene cuando tu bebe llega al mundo. Esa expectacion que tenia al esperar su llegada y el vacio en nuestros brazos...
Me pregunto una y otra vez si alguna vez me olvidare de lo que paso? Si alguna vez ya no dolera tanto? Si alguna vez ya no lo extranare? Si alguna vez mirare atras y entendere?
Algunos dicen que ya no me sentire tan triste pero es algo que no se olvida...
Hay una tristeza y dulzura al recordarle...

Estuve leyendo Eclesiastes. Uno de los capitulos finales decia que todo lo que sucede bajo el sol es absurdo, realmente nadie lo puede entender.
No se si busco entendimiento.
Me pregunto como es que la gente trata con la muerte de sus seres queridos, con la perdida de sus hijos, de sus bebes, de sus bebes aun no nacidos.
Leia en internet que algunas madres se enfocan en tratar de tener otro bebe....no creo que lo hagan con el deseo de hacer un reemplazo.
Siento que un reemplazo no es la solucion. Al menos no para mi.

Entonces que queda? Aceptar. Seguir adelante. Someterme a la voluntad de Dios confiando en Su sabiduria, sin cuestion, ni queja.

Blind Cave Fish

Blind Cave Fish Can Grow Eyes....
The other day as I walked around the house and listened to TV, I heard about this fish born blind because it was born in complete darkness deep inside in the caves off the coast of Mexico. His name, Astyanax mexicanus.
The first time I heard it I thought it was very interesting, then it stayed in my mind and kept coming over and over again until I had to find more information about it.
It made me think of all the people who don't know about Christ. Fathers, mothers, who live in darkness and therefore raise their children in the darkness. Blind to the light of Christ...
Somehow this is something I am still thinking about....
Apparently, researchers have gone out of their way to find out if it's possible grow eyes in the fish because when they are still eggs their eyes degenerate so they are born with no eyes. However, other fish who live in the surface, where there is light, have eyes.
So, researchers found out they can indeed grow eyes on them by implanting a lens from a surface dwelling fish, cousin of the cave fish. Amazing!
I keep going back to the fish born blind because their habitat is in complete darkness.
How many people are out there living in complete darkness? Whether it is because they choose to, or because they don't know any better...the thing is, it doesn't stay with them, their descendants will live in darkness, too.
The darkness of sin, of loneliness, of living a life with no hope and comfort. Not a life free from troubles. But as we have a experienced, a life that still has trouble and is sustained by God's Spirit. A life with eyes that see it's helper coming from the hills, the Maker of heaven and earth.

But how can we stop this growing darkness?

1 Peter 2:9 came to my mind then:

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation,
a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him
who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."

Blind to the light of God, living in such darkness, in such oppression and ignorance, is death to our souls, separation from God.

Oh, that we who once lived in darkness could declare the praises of him who brought us into his wonderful light. That we may stop the darkness from extending. That we may have compassion on those children born blind to the light of Him who is worthy of our praises.
That they may become part of this royal priesthood, of this holy nation, that they may belong to God.
We have this power, given to us by Jesus Christ to proclaim the Good News, to make disciples, to shine His light. Let us not hide behind our shyness, let us not hide behind political correction or whatever it is that closes our mouths and stops our tongues.
Don't we long to see the world having eyes to see Christ? Don't we long to see our friends and family having eyes to see the light of Christ?
Why do we go out of our way getting fish to be able to see? Yes, this will help sight problems and research...shouldn't we be concerned all the time about the future of the souls that live in darkness, too?
Dive deep inside into the caves where they are and shine the light of Christ. At school, at the gym, at the mall, at the grocery store, at the gas station...wherever we are.

^{John 1:1-5}

¹In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
²He was with God in the beginning. ³Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴In him was life, and that life was the light of men.
⁵The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

May the Lord help us take advantage of each opportunity that arises to shine His light not just in words but through our lifestyle. Amen.

I am going to bed, now.

5k + 15 Mile Bikeathon= A Milestone

So, today was THE day. A day of challenge. I ran 5k and biked 15 miles at the Tour de Oink.
Why did I do that? I am not really sure. I just know I like the challenge and feeling afterwards. I think it encourages me to keep on exercising and set fitness goals for myself.
Before I turned 30 I had this thing about getting into an exercising rutine so that by the time I was 30 I had some kind of discipline.
Well, I have had my ups and downs. And, now I wonder how would it be the day I get a job how will I keep my exercise rutine? I don't know, I will figure it out.
This morning's run was interesting since we didn't finish the 5k training program we started because of abc reasons. If it wasn't for Sara I wouldn't have kept training. She has kept me excited and going. Thanks, Sara!
Alicia, who could have run the 5k in the blink of an eye, ran at our pace and kept us going. Thanks, Alicia, you are so sweet!
So, the run was very hilly. We had to walk the big hills. But we made it.
Then, Alicia went onto bike the 40 miles and I went to bike the 14.

I had a hard time changing gears and finding one that worked right. It seems like I was pushing really hard to move. Maybe it was just that I was tired from the run. I don't know. But we made it.

Back to the why I did it? Again, I don't know. I have never been very interested in athletics or sports. Therefore, I was never really fit. I think I am tired of feeling like a loser. I want to be fit, healthy and look good. It may take me a long time but hopefully we will get there.

Now to sleep.

Coming up, on my next post I want to talk about Born Blind A Fish. It's an interesting thing.

Potty Training...

So, about two days ago we started potty training my two year old son. He will be three in October. *Sigh*

He is very cute and sweet. He started using the undies mommy Doshi got for him. He just loved them and didn't want to wear a diaper anymore. We had to go shopping for some more cute undies. We found some Thomas the Train ones and that's all he wants to wear.

Today, day 3, has been not a very good day. Only three times he went pe pe in the bathroom, the rest of the times (including pooping) he did not want to sit in the toilette...uh!

I know is just day 3, hopefully tomorrow will be better...he wants to wear his undies so bad and I feel so tempted to delay it more and go back to the diapers...

Some days, some months, some years, things just don't go the way we want, the way we imagine or expect...and we discover things about ourselves that maybe we didn't see before, that were buried or just hidden...the point is we discover that there is so much in us that needs to change. I realize more and more I am a miserable sinner with no hope whatsoever. Only Christ can mold me, change me and make me acceptable, aproved for himself. And I am thankful for His patience and love.

I will be running a 5k this sat. and biking 14 miles afterwards. I have never done this before. I have never been an athletic person. Now it is as if a rush for exercising and challenging myself had hit me.I am surprised...

Now, I have got to get some rest. It's late.

Cerca de Ti (Near to You)

"Cerca de Ti", a song by on of my favorite Christian Musicians, Jesus Adrian Romero, has been lately in my mind. So, I want to share it with you. Enjoy.

Si decidiera negar mi fe, y no confiar nunca mas en El,

No tengo a donde ir, no tengo a donde ir.

Si despreciare mi corazon la santa gracia que me salvo,

No tengo a donde ir, no tengo a donde ir.

Convencido estoy que sin Tu amor, se acabarian mis fuerzas

Y sin ti mi corazon sediento se muere, se seca...

Cerca de Ti, yo quiero estar

De Tu presencia no me quiero alejar

Cerca de Ti, Jesus, you quiero estar

De Tu presencia no me quiero alejar...

If I were to deny my faith and trust Him no more

I have nowhere to go, I have nowhere to go

If my heart were to lay aside the Sacred Grace that saved me

I have nowhere to go, I have nowhere to go

Convinced I am that without your love my strength would fail

And without you, my thirsty heart will die, will whither.

Near to You, I want to be,

from Your presence I don't want to grow apart

Near to You, Jesus, I want to be,

from Your presence I don't want to grow apart...

My Little Flower

My Little Flower, the world will never see you blooming.

Shiny, your sister called you

When she prayed for you and kissed my belly

And it is because you shined in our hearts

You put a sparkle in our eyes

Your siblings loved you, kissed you

and planned for you.

My Little Flower, my womb saw you blooming

but you have left now to be with our Maker,

Shiny, colorful, beautiful and whole.

There is no better place to be, my love

than the arms of our Maker

and the company of our loved ones amongst the Saints.

My Little Flower,

our nest was full of prayers, dreams and hopes

now it is empty and flooding with tears like my womb.

My Little Flower, you were so loved

even before your seed was planted.

Oh, my little flower

flesh of my flesh,

bone of my bones,

heart of my hearts,

I miss you deep inside.

Hear my lulaby, feel my caress

I am your mother, you know.

Your daddy loves you as much

with every fiber of his being and beyond...

Feel his strong arms surround you,

resting on his chest will make you secure,

hearing his voice will delight you.

Oh, we love you!

My dear child, my darling

I could never say Good-Bye

Being safe in the arms of our Maker

I trust I will see you later.

My Little Flower, I just wanted to say

I love you and more...

Enjoy a beautiful and eternal life

my bright star

You are forever in our hearts...

Do you love Me more than these?

John 21:15-17
¹⁵When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."

¹⁶Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?"
He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."

¹⁷ The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.

I imagine Peter kind of ashamed for what had happened. Waiting, hoping that at last the Lord that Peter heard has appeared to others, will consider Him worthy to seeing him. Maybe, the thought that the Lord didn't want to see him had crossed His mind. I imagine Peter longing for redemption, remembering the good old times, the first time he saw Jesus, the time he was called to be fisher of men, the time Jesus went fishing with Him and showed them where to throw their net. Then, Peter decided to go fishing and it happened again.
The way Peter jumped into the water as he heard "It's the Lord", moves me. Makes me think of a man desperate for reconciliation.
I imagine Peter thinking, "If I could only see Him again.." and then it happened...

I gained a new insight last weekend at Exploration 2009. Saturday night, the Bishop from Minnesota preached about the verse above. She had a new insight about the passage. What if the "these" meant, not the other disciples but the other things that have happened: Peter's bad experience, bitterness, anger at himself, disappointment, etc...
What is the "these" for me, for you? Anger, bitterness, deception, my own dreams of self-satisfaction, my own sense of what I must do, my desires, the world, my comfort, not knowing it all...
What stands between me, loving the Lord and feeding His sheep.
As Jesus asks Peter the third time, the same question, a deeper understanding of what the cost of following Jesus starts to sink in. It's not all rose color, it's not all shiny. Surrendering your rights to Jesus Christ is not easy, not having control is not easy, not having it all figured out is not easy, following although not understanding is not easy. If you know what I mean.
Now, that you understand better the cost, do you love Me?... Do you love Me?... Do you love Me?
Feed my sheep.

Sweet?

I have always wondered what I felt like to loose someone you love. Not that I wanted to experience that any time soon but I figured the time would come, it comes sooner or later for everyone...It seems like it came too soon for us....
We lost Mami Lali Sunday, August 30th, 2009. Her body lost the battle to Pancreatic Cancer. But her soul was as triumphant as it has ever been, until the last moment. The last time I talked to her- one day before she went to Jesus- she pulled strength from her soul and sang, with such beauty, "Victory in Jesus".
I think of her everyday, I know my whole family does. It's like a dream. I still feel if I am going to see her soon or at least that's the hope I had. Don't take me wrong. I know if we believe in Jesus Christ we have eternal life, and there's no doubt in my mind she is with Jesus. But, I won't see her on this earth. Next time we encounter, I will see the urn containing her ashes.
Oh, how has this happened? This sadness overwhelms my soul. There is such sweetness in my memories of her, and the tears that flow without ceasing remind me of how much I love her. There is a special sweetness and sadness in my heart when I think of her.
I meditate in what I could have done better in our relationship...she lived in France, we had 7 hours of difference. Sometimes, it was too late to call her.
She never failed at calling me. Trying to reach out to me. She is one of the few that truly understood how hard it is to be far away from all you know, all you understand, those you grew up with, those that hold your same values, even the food you like...
I am trying to think positively. I know she is not suffering anymore. However, this sadness is still there. This sense of loss is still there.
I will hold on to the sweetness of this tears, of this hurt because they are a sign of love. They remind me I love her and she loved me. And, love will never die.

Love

Love should have been your name. You gave me something no one can take away. Faith.
You were there when I was born. You counseled my parents. You took me as your own. You prayed for me since before I was born then you hold me and offered me to the Lord. There is not a single day you haven't thought about your children. Up until your last breath, they were in your thoughts.
You made us feel so loved, so warm, so protected, so encouraged...so close. You believed in us.
God gave you eyes to see us far away. You knew how we felt, so far, so alone. You warmed up our hearts and encouraged us to believe in God.
I awaited your calls. They were always on time. Until they stopped...Love, what has happened to you? Why didn't you tell us you felt sick? All so sudden, all soon. We thought we would have you forever. Oh, Love. What are we gonna do without you?
I wish I had seen you last year...to hold you, one more time... But it wasn't conceded to me to do so.
I think of you sick and my hearts in a thousand pieces. It aches so much, Love.
I am so glad to talked to you at the hospital, I am so glad I talked to you before you, finally, answered Jesus call to go home.
When I talked to you, I didn't want to let you go. You told me you had fulfilled your mission. You called me your firstborn. I didn't know what to say but "I love you, I love you, I love you." I heard you crying, Love, don't go, don't go, please. I am selfish.
You probably want to see the Lover of your soul. The One you sought with passion, the One who sustained you, the One loves you...the One who made you and needs you with Him.
We sang "Victory in Jesus". I am so glad we got to sing. I heard your voice gaining strength, it sounded so beautiful, so anticipating of your dwelling with the Lord....
Love, I miss you so bad, so bad. Who will call me? Who will I call? You were so happy when we got to talk, I was, too. Your name is on my phone, every time I see it I cry.
can you see me, now? Before you could hear me...but can you see me, now? How is it with Jesus? Do you understand everything? Are you wearing fine white linen? You are so beautiful.

Someone said, Love is a verb. Mami Lali , that should have been your name. Even when we did not very good, you reached out for us. You felt our pain, you rejoiced in our victories. You exhorted us when we did bad, you counseled us. You were always there, no matter how far had gone.
I love you, again. I feel like I haven't said it enough. I love you. I will always love you.
I wanna love like you, you provoke me to love...You are a true reflection of Christ.
Thank you. Thank you for loving us, for helping heal our wounds, for taking us under your wings.
We were so broken, I know you saw that. You were, too. But you were selfless, sacrificial, you were Love. You suffered in silence. You cried to the Lord in silence.
You wanted all your children to receive the Lord. You have given so much.
Thank you, Love. Thank you.
I will always love you.

Mami Lali

Te acuerdas de cuando era pequena y me llevabas a tu cama, cuando mis papas se iban al cine?
Cuando nos ibamos al mercado y nos ibamos al puesto de los hijos de la Hna. Teresa Farfan y nos tomabamos un jugo? Siempre me encantaba ir contigo al mercado, era divertido ir contigo.
Un chupetin, un chocolate sublime y una manzana chilena nos traias cuando te ibas de viaje. Nunca te olvidabas!
Cuando la tia Elsita nos visitaba, nos ibamos al mercado, tambien. Tempranito me llamaba, me peinaba y nos ibamos juntitas.
Cuando el tio Fernando nos venia a visitar, siempre nos compraba una cadenita.
Te acuerdas de la Navidad? Sacabamos el arbol plateado, poniamos los adornos, el pajarito, el nacimiento, las guirnaldas y las luces...Cuantas navidades pasamos juntas al crecer.
La Pascua de resurreccion, los tamales...
En la manana, tu voz me levantaba cuando te escuchaba cantar himnos al Senor mientras regabas el jardin.
te acuerdas cuando nos ibamos a tu grupo de oracion? los ayunos en la Iglesia? cuando te ibas al seminario? cuando nos contabas historias en la noche? te acuerdas de Ivan el valiente?
De cuando jugabamos carnavales y mojabamos toda la casa? de cuando nos reprendias cuando nos peleabamos?
Mami Lali, siempre has hecho la vida mas emocionante con tu energia, con tu entusiasmo, con tu amor que nos ha alcanzado tan lejos como nos hemos podido ir...
Te extrano, mami Lali.
Quien nos llamara por telefono sin fallar, acordandose de nuestro cumpleanos, la navidad, la pascua de resurreccion?
Aunque estamos tan lejos los unos de los otros, fisicamente, tu nos has unido y nos seguiras uniendo.
Tengo una espina en mi corazon, que me punza con mucho dolor al saber que la enfermedad esta tratando de menguar tus fuerzas y apagar tu espiritu. Cuando cierro los ojos, escucho tu voz, veo tu rostro y siento tu abrazo...ojala sientas el mio, ojala sientas mi abrazo y escuches mi voz.... Te amo, mami Lali. Te amamos, mami Lali. No nos dejes. Hay un tanto de egoismo en nuestra suplica. Pero, que es lo que tu quieres?
Espero que llegues a casa pronto para que cantemos "Victoria en Cristo", para que te podamos animar asi como tu nos animado, asi como tu nos amas y alientas.
Mami Lali, quiero verte y abrazarte otra vez!

Understanding

"Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. 22 I was so foolish and ignorant— I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. 23 Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. 24 You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. 25 Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. 26 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:21-26

I have to confess I don't like to share my emotions or whatever is going on inside of me with others. Although, I think I have come to the realization I have trouble with wanting to be the center of attention. I am very self conscious and it drives me crazy.
But, as I said, the object of my blog is to let this out of my chest. Maybe, one day I will look back and see what things have changed, how God has been working in my life to fulfill His ultimate purpose. Maybe, this will help you, too? I don't know if there is anyone reading it. But it doesn't matter.

I've been stuck in Psalm 73 for the last two days. I keep reading it and praying because it is so true about what is deep in my heart now and it seems to be a common feeling to many.
What do the proud prosper? Comparing myself to others. Wondering why the people who don't love God prosper so much while some of us that at least try to work on loving Him better, go trough so much trouble.
I don't wish bad upon them, not at all.
The major realization on this passage is that I've been foolish and ignorant. That I indeed had been bitter and torn up inside.
I confessed then I am so foolish and ignorant again and again. I've been doing it for the last two days. God is talking to me.
In my weakness and ignorance, He is the strength of my heart.
See, I want so many things. Who doesnt? I wish I didn't. I want to be able to travel wherever I want. To see my family whenever I want ( I'm trying to escape from self-pity and wanting to see God's purpose on this setting). I want to learn to be a succesful fisher of man. I don't want to worry about "numbers" in ministry. What school will my children be going to? or what kind of fortune are we making?
God is faithful. He has always been.
I may be taking things too seriously. Worrying about how much I worry about stuff...that's so foolish.
Finally, I understand better God has a plan. I realize that when I come into His presence.
He is in control.

Illias is crawling

Yesterday, July 09 we declared that Illias has started to oficially crawl.
He does it in a funny way. He has leg under and scoots with the other. I think he is afraid of falling on his face. He is pulling himself up and I think he wishes to walk. Sometimes it feels like he wants to let go of my hands.
he likes water so much. Next week we will start parent/child swim lessons for him and Isabella.
Isabella will start Ballet lessons on monday!! How exciting.
One thing I would like to record is that Illias moves his feet as if he wants to walk or jump now, just as he did when he was in my womb. I find that very interesting.

Mommy Memories

Someone suggested writing about my mommy memories. So, before I forget, here we go.
Isabella Abrienne
Isabella means God is bountiful
Abrienne means Mother on Nations
- When Isabella was born, we wanted to have a surprise. John had been saying we were gonna have a girl. When they pulled her out, the anesthesiologist said "A boy!"...the doctor asked my husband,"well, there you go, what is it?", but John couldn't tell because she was all covered with stuff, so the doctor said "It's a girl!". John called her name, hold her and put her cheeks next to my lips so I could kiss her. I was crying of happiness. Our baby was finally here.
She will be 4 tomorrow. Next year she is going to kindergarten.
- She always has wanted to be very independent, she wants her way, she wants to go out. When she was around 2 she always wanted to go out for a walk, outside the Wesley Foundation.
- She liked Elmo. She an Elmo book and pair of overalls.
- When she was about 2, one morning I was laying on bed and trying to get some more rest, when I heard her coming and just when she was about to put her hands on my mouth, I opened my eyes. She had poop all over her hands!
- This memory is from her daddy. She told him she wanted to have a belly like his. She loves and admires her daddy so much.
- She has always liked to sit and play the piano at Wesley and the house. For the last year, she grabs the guitar when her daddy is playing and makes up songs almost about anything she sees or crosses her mind. She is very creative. She loves singing too.
These days she likes Hannah Montana.
- The last week of my pregnancy with Illias we lay down together for naps in the afternoon. She went to sleep on my arms. I tried to get her to feel the baby but she didn't get it yet until he was born.
-The morning on my 30th birthday Isabella came up to me when I woke up and hold my hand and brought me to the kitchen. She sang Happy Birthday to me in front of the cake her daddy had baked. Afterwards she said she was ready for some cake:)
- My sweet husband brought my mom as a birthday surprise this year. It was the first time my mom got to see Illias and it had been 3 years since she saw Isabella. She stayed here for 5 weeks.
Isabella loved to climb up her back and sleep with her.
When she left Isabella said her mommy Dochi had gone to Peru and then she told me " I miss her too much, I want her to come back " :(. My husband said they talked on the phone and Isabella asked my mom to please, come back. When we went to Target, Isabella wanted to go get her suitcase so she can go to Peru with her mommy Dochi.

Illias Salvador
Illias Salvador means the Lord is my God and my Savior
- When Illias was born, the first he did was cry. The sound of his voice, melted my heart. It was such a sweet baby boy voice. John screamed " That's my boy, let it out, son. Illias Salvador." The doctor said she had known all along we were having a boy and was dying to tell me. Everyone in the OR were so thrilled to hear John so proud of our baby.

Psalm 68:6

"God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy."
How long? She asked with tears in her eyes. With a sigh in her soul, whispering really softly with sadness one more morning "have You forgotten me?" "I'm tired of being alone"...and yet surrounded by many. How can that be? How ironic.
She had so many things in her mind that day, so many unfinished projects, a child to take care of right there and no idea where to begin.
"It will probably be better if I start by praying, by doing my devo", "ah!, don't feel like it either. Sleeping sounds good, though. I am just tired, so tired, God."
I open my Bible, searching through the pages of the new Bible I picked since I didn't want to go look for the other one, for where I was in my daily readings. Oh yes, I think I was in Psalm 67. Well, read it, pray it and let's get going.
Wait a minute. My eyes landed on Psalm 68:6.
Soft and sweet medicine filled up my empty and saddened heart that morning.
He has set the lonely in families. He has set me in a beautiful family, two beauties, a princess and a warrior plus my beloved. They long to be with me and I so long to be with them too.
Yes, I was feeling lonely that day and often too. He knows it and has given me a family.
He sat me free from prison and gave me a new song.
A new song? I have heard that before.
What is the song, Lord? What is that new song?
Help me to hear it.